It’s that damned phone.

No, but really.

I grew up in an ephemeral time in which the internet and technology was still being born and evolving. When the only phones everyone had was glued to your living room and used communally for the family.

I remember a time before smartphones. I remember when the internet was just for silly videos of cats and babies. When the only computer we had was fixed to the kitchen and limited to one hour of usage a day. I used to read for hours at a time, make scrapbooks about dragons, paint, do puzzles, play outside. I’d ride my bike to my friends’ houses and play mermaids in the community pool.

Sometimes I find myself craving that childlike wonder I had. Where did it go? Why can’t I sit down and read an entire book without my mind thinking about a million other things? Why can’t I watch a movie without thinking about the review I’ll write about it afterwards? Why does free time feel like a burden instead of a reward? Why doesn’t my brain want to think on its own anymore??

Damn.

Is it really is that damned phone?

As technology progressed I laughed as older generations blamed everything on phones. “It’s that damned phone!!”, they’d exclaim. How could my phone, in which I use to chat with my friends more often and learn about the world, be so bad? How could the internet, this genius invention created to make our lives easier, be the enemy??

I want kids in the future. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but I understand the consequences of starting a family before you’re ready to be a parent. My mom had her first child at age 21. I’m 23 now and I feel like a baby - I can’t imagine having one of my own.

How would I keep my future children from feeling this same sour, bitterness I feel towards what the internet robbed from me. Did it take my childlike wonder? Or did I grow out of it, desperate to find something to blame it on?

Sure, you can encourage kids to read. Teach them the morals and values you hold. Encourage creativity and problem solving. Keep them off the internet for as long as possible.

But how long is that, really? Most schools now assign homework online. Some schools require kids to bring in a phone or laptop to participate. At what age would a child without a phone become ostracized? Do you just give in?

I work in marketing. I majored in digital media. I can’t simply throw my phone away. Sure, it’s possible - but at what cost? What would I be proving?

How do we hold onto our fundamental being and not allow the internet and social media to suck the life out of us?

I don’t fully know. I’ve started reading more.

Playing in the yard with my dog.

Going on walks.

Setting my phone down more often.

Listening to records.

Writing more.

But at the end of the day…

It’s that damned phone.