divorces are sooo in rn

coping with a divorce at the age of 23 with comedy!!

Surprise!!! Have you heard divorces at 23 years old are SOO in right now?? That’s what the kids are all raving about.

Anyways this is my announcement that I’m getting a divorce at the ripe age of 23 lol.

For the first time in my life I’m choosing to break a toxic cycle I’ve put myself in and choose myself. Maybe I’m blowing up my whole life or maybe the rose colored glasses finally shattered and I can see clearly for the first time. I’m almost positive it’s the latter.

I know I have a really toxic habit of keeping red flags to myself and not reaching out or talking to the people around me - and it puts me in really terrible situations emotionally. I married someone who refused to put me first and it’s probably because I also don’t know how to put myself first. I sacrifice all of me hoping and praying that I’ll receive unrelenting love back and that is always my first mistake.

Every single relationship I have known has been full of betrayal and heartbreak and a lack of loyalty - it’s gut wrenching. But even more so it’s freeing. As much heartbreak as I’ve endured, I know I won’t allow myself to be treated like that ever again. I have to thank all of my past lovers for showing me exactly what I don’t want in my life.

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Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing, looking at me like I’m going through a loss. In ways I supposed I am. But it makes me feel so guilty that I genuinely feel okay. Not bad, not amazing, just okay.

I haven’t really been talking to anyone about what I’m going through. I think I’m just taking this quiet time in my life to be selfish and experience this emotion on my own for a while.

I feel sad for my younger self who thought getting divorced was the worst thing an adult could ever do, the girl who promised herself that she would find her soul mate to marry so I don’t end up miserable like my parents. I let her down.

I feel angry for my past self because I know I should have been more honest to myself about the red flags. I knew they were there but ignored them because I thought that’s what you're supposed to do in a committed relationship. I forgot I can put myself first whenever I feel like it, and it doesn’t have to be justified.

I feel happy for my current self because I know the entire world is ahead of me and no matter where I go, I will not endure the same pattern again.

Marriage shouldn’t be a buffer that allows bad things to happen in the relationship. It shouldn’t be a reason to stay.

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Things you shouldn’t have to beg for that I did (no it’s funny you can laugh)

• Cuddling

• Watching movies I like

• Going to my favorite restaurant together just once (Didn’t.)

• Stop thirst following on Instagram (This one was recurring lol)

• Don’t vote for Trump (he did anyway lmao)

• Wear condoms (this one actually has so much lore… could be a whole separate post)

• Go to any college event with me (never did!)

• Don’t yell at me when I cry (almost every time!)

• Hang out with me instead of playing Xbox ONE DAY after my wisdom teeth surgery (this one is insane actually)

• Fold laundry within 7 days (…)

These are the types of lists I’ve made in my notes app for the past three years and it should fill me with sadness but it fills me with absolute joy that I know I’ll never have to write a fucking list like that again. What the fuck was I on.

Maybe I haven’t been talking about it with anyone because of the embarrassment I feel over all of it. Actually, I know that’s the case. It’s embarrassing to explain all of this to anyone because their first question is always “why did you marry him?”

And my answer is truly just, I don’t know.

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P.S.

I was going to just end the whole post there but I feel like I need to say that one day I will find out why I stayed in that relationship for so long and let myself sink. Probably after a lot of time and therapy. But that’s definitely the point, right? To find out why this happened and learn from my mistake(s). At least that’s what I’ll tell myself to feel better about it.